Amy’s Best Tweets

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking "WHAT HIM NAME?" when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone's lawn, and since "I don't know" is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don't like.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) September 3, 2023

"MOMMY WOOK, SPOOKY GUY! WHAT HIM NAME?"

*me, trying to merge into the turn lane* "Uh, Rudy Giuliani, honey."

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) September 3, 2023

Me to my husband: "Don't worry, he's only 2, he'll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don't bring it up."

My 2yo: "Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt"

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 24, 2023

"Oh you sweet summer child" implies the existence of a salty winter grownup

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) September 17, 2023

Far be it from me to toss out marriage advice with the audacity of a podcasting 20yo, but I will say: anticipating the Sunday night mubble-fubbles & setting a recurring 8 pm alarm that says "Rob hasn't done anything wrong; you are just sad" has spared us a LOT of stupid fights.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 13, 2023

"Baby, this is the bank. They don't have French fries here."

–me every time a little hopeful hand emerges from a carseat and I am compelled to explain that different types of drive-thrus exist

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 26, 2023

Twitter is for people who want to be writers and Instagram is for people who want to be pretty and Facebook is for people who DO NOT CONSENT to give Zuckerberg access to their private photos, if you agree hold down this text with your finger and copy and paste on your own wall

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) June 24, 2023

Laura Ingalls Wilder writing abt her childhood: The cold winter wind howled across the prairie as we huddled over a single roast potato

LIW writing Farmer Boy: Almanzo's house was made of food. There were 11 DOUGHNUTS & PIES in his lunch pail. For breakfast he had an ENTIRE HAM

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) May 5, 2022

Every winter day brings us closer to the dread center of February and the inevitable Facebook posts shouting, "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO THIS GUY. 😍 Back off, ladies, he's all miiiiiine!" re: a dude with the personality of a mayonnaise sandwich.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 24, 2022